so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
