i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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