No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
