im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
