I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
