I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
