Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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