hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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