That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
