would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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