Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
