There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
