allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
