Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
