TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
