If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
