friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
