Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
