John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize