Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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