first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
