His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
