Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
