she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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