mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
