omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
