mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
