I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Couch. On fire.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
