sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
