make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
