My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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