May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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