Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
