she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
