that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
