Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
