I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
