I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
