Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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