My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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