so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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