I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
