my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
