I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
