We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need a burrito and a hug.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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