I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
