I will die if light touches me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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