just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
