This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
