I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
