nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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