I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize