one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm too high and old for this...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
