I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
